Grandma Says..

Observations and views from a different set of eyes

No Court Would Convict Me!

on March 3, 2013


I don’t care who’s on the jury, I’m sure I’ll be found innocent.  After all, everyone will understand that I just snapped; I didn’t mean to do just happened, I swear!  Why am I in danger of having to plead for my freedom?  Well, let me explain.

For the past two days, the only thing more miserable than the weather has been my SO, Danny.  Temperatures must be in the balmy 70’s; the sun must be shining, and the winds must be non-existent for him to even consider leaving the house.  He thinks of temperatures in the 50’s with a breeze as a Nor’easter!

Yesterday happened to be the start of a 4 day forecast of gloomy days filled with wind-driven rain and unusually cold temperatures for Florida.  For once, the weatherman was right on the button and the weather is crappy.  So, I have been trapped inside with a man who has made it his mission to drive me totally out of my mind!

It’s been like Chinese Water Torture listening to his whining over the past two days.  Let me give you a small list of complaints that he repeated over, and over, and over during the day!

He hates being inside.  (I’ve had to bite my tongue to prevent yelling  “Don’t let the door hit you in the butt on your way out!”)

He’s bored.  (I offered to let him help with the dishes, the vacuuming and the cooking.  He responded with the infamous “Are you kidding?” stare!

There’s nothing good on T.V.  (I guess a selection of 4 Academy Award Winning movies is a gross lack of quality T.V.)

There’s too many commercials on T.V.  (Well, gotta agree with the grouch on that one.)

He’s cold. (I crank up the heat until sweat pops out all over my body.)

He’s hot.  (I turn down the heat and hope he freezes while thinking up the next thing to bitch about.  I’ll thaw him out when the weather improves.)

He’s tired of winter.  (It must be noted that this week is only the 2nd week we’ve had cold temps.  Most of the winter has been in the 70-80 degree range with bright, sunny skies!  How quickly he forgets!)

For the first few hours yesterday, I sympathized and cooed that we would only need to hang in there for a few days.  By noon, I could barely tolerate his constant woe-is-me persona.  By dinner, I was considering how a little arsenic might go a long way to improving his disposition!

So you can see how my patience has deteriorated to the point of banging my head against the wall to block out his voice.  This man is stepping on my last nerve!

I realize that Danny is a man who loves to spend time outdoors; he constantly cleans his truck and works on the yard until it is the envy of all the neighbors.  What a change a cold and rainy day can make in the man I adore.  I feel like the woman who woke up to find a pod in her basement and a spooky husband in the kitchen!  Although, Dannys not spooky..he’s just being downright irritating.

I sit here, planning on grabbing the duct tape and using it to bound and gag the love of my life.  Just until the weather returns to normal and warm, sunshiny days again rule our world here in Florida.  I’ve found the scissors and a straw so I can make a small hole in the tape;  just enough to feed and water him..but not large enough to let him start harping on the weather again.

So, if you happen to be on the jury of my peers, I hope you’ll feel my pain and let me go!  After all, there is only so much one woman can take and he’ll only be trussed up for a couple of days!  Unless the weather forecast changes, of course. 🙂

16 responses to “No Court Would Convict Me!

  1. johnlmalone says:

    ahhh the joys of togetherness 🙂

  2. Jess says:

    Hahaha!! I would never convict you if I sat on that jury. Maybe you can interest him in a new hobby? Buy him a model airplane or a soduku book.

  3. 1tric says:

    Bring him to the vet!!!
    I usually say “Have you a terminal illness?, No? Well then i’m not interested”
    Very mean I know, but it makes me feel great. Hoping he’s out that door very soon.

  4. hownottokillyourparents says:

    I wouldn’t convict you either; frankly, I’d give you some extra slack just for lasting as long as you have. It sounds like you need to invest in a new IPod playlist and some quality headphones. He might be bored and grouchy, but you’ll be able to dance right through it all.

  5. kerbey says:

    Maybe it’s like those old marijuana commercials: “I learned it from watching you, Dad!” After all, you are the cranky one, right? 🙂 In any case, I picture him as Walter Matthau now.

  6. Gwen says:

    Tell dear ol’ Danny to come spend a winter in Chicago… then we can discuss Cabin Fever with some perspective! xo

    • He’s originally from Kentucky so he’s no stranger to the cold; he just forgets what cold really yours in’s when you step outside and your nose sticks together! Now, that’s cold!:)

  7. pardenme says:

    We do have the nose-hair cold here in northern Wisconsin. Miserable, nasty winters. Girl, you had me in stitches reading this! Then, in mid-giggle, I slapped my hand over my mouth when I realized you are describing my own cold related complaints. Oh my, what silent thoughts my dear husband must be harboring. I loved it!

  8. Thanks for letting me camp out in your blog for a little while today. I had a great time and tried to leave my campsite as good as when I arrived. I’ll be back in a couple of weeks!

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