Grandma Says..

Observations and views from a different set of eyes

The Hole In My Heart

on March 27, 2013

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I miss my sister.  There is a void in my heart that will never be filled.  Although she passed over five years ago; not a day goes by when she’s not in my thoughts.

I still hear her laughter.  I picture her across the table from me, nursing a cocktail, smoking a cigarette and giggling about some prank we pulled when we were in high school together.  My sister was more than a sibling; she was my friend.

In our early years, we were inseparable.  If you saw one of us; the other one was not far behind.  We had each other’s backs, although my sister seldom needed a champion.  Everyone loved her; she had a quick wit; a beautiful smile and a heart that wouldn’t quit.

I didn’t hear my phone ring that day; I had been busy with some chore or another.  When I spotted my phone, I saw I had a message and checked my voice-mail.  I heard my niece’s voice ask me to call her at my sister’s house.  I was confused, my niece lived in Key West; why was she home?

I tried my sister’s home phone but got no answer, so I tried next to reach her on her cell phone.  The call went to voice-mail and that’s the last time I heard my sister’s voice.

When I finally managed to reach my brother-in-law, he told me that my sister had been rushed to the hospital with post-op pneumonia;  she had not survived the night. That was the moment a piece of my heart was ripped out;  in it’s place was a empty hole.

My sister passed away at the tender age of 55, much too young to be taken from me.  We had always joked about how we would share a room in a nursing home together and raise hell with the old folks.  We would dye our hair blue; we would haunt bingo halls and we’d laugh till we ached.

I had lost my father twelve years before my sister’s death; I lost my oldest brother seven months after she passed.  These deaths were hard; but they were after my dad and brother had been suffering from long-term illnesses, they were painful but not unexpected.

The sudden death of my sister dealt me a crushing blow, and it took me a few years to be able to talk about her.  I kept my grief close and my tears were shed in private.

Over the years, I have managed to fill some of that gaping hole with wonderful memories of the time we did have together.  I see glimpses of her in my youngest son and my granddaughter and that comforts me.  But, the hole has never completely healed. It’s still painful when I think of my sister; I still struggle with my grief.

I believe that the hole in my heart will remain, no matter how hard I try to fill it,  until I join my sister one day. Only then will my heart be complete once more.  But, until that day, I will miss her with all that’s left of my heart.

I love you, Sis!

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28 responses to “The Hole In My Heart

  1. Very touching, I feel for you.

  2. grannyK says:

    I’m sorry you are sad 😦 These losses are so hard to endure. I lost my husband and son to an auto accident, so I know the absolute shock you can feel at such an unexpected loss. There is no time to prepare yourself! The holes that remain in our hearts we fill with lovely memories of those gone before us, and bask in those memories when things are hard. I hope you can find some peace.

  3. John says:

    My father was 55 when he passed away, some 33 years ago now. Unlike with you sister, we did have a bit of time to prepare, 10 months of time. I cannot imagine the grief from something so unexpected… I don’t know that he holes in our hearts ever go away, time helps shrink the hole, and memories help fill the hole, but, I suppose the hole never goes away. I’m sorry for your loss (and those sound like such inadequate words)… and I hope that there is some comfort in all your happy memories.

  4. lellielieb says:

    I don’t have a sister, but I always wished for one. I know how close my daughters are. So sorry for your loss.

  5. Sending love your way.

  6. 1tric says:

    You know my thinking on this subject! I have no doubt your sister is near you always. Its the loneliness and loss of future that is so very very hard.

  7. Aurora says:

    I’m sorry for your loss. It seems so many people I know are losing many people dear to them. In the last couple of years alone, I’ve lost two aunts, my dad, my grandfather, a lady that was like a second mom to me growing up and a childhood best friend. It’s hard sometimes. I know we will always wonder what if, and wish we had another chance to see them again.

    I do believe they are near watching over us, and that helps, when nothing else does…

  8. keladelaide says:

    Recently I have imagined life without my sis (my only sibling) since her breast cancer diagnosis at age 36. She is a fighter, thankfully! Sudden would be even more difficult for those, like you, who are given no opportunity to express their love one more time.

  9. Cranky-girl, I am so sorry! I have four sisters, and both parents. I cannot imagine any of them being gone . . . ~Mary

  10. I felt this way when my Mom died. She was only 43 & it too was unexpected.
    You’re not alone, dear. I know it aches every day. Just know you have friends here. & We love you. 🙂

  11. Sallyann says:

    I feel I would like to say some kind, comforting words, but can’t think of something to say so instead I’m sending you a smile to put into the hole in your heart so that next time you look in there the smile will be waiting to help you to remember the happy times. 😀

  12. Bastet says:

    Words can’t fill the holes in our lives, only love can, that which is and that which was…our memories help…have a nice day, with a happy memory.

  13. btg5885 says:

    You are blessed to have had such a close friend in your sister. Your memories of her keep her alive, so you should cherish those moments as well as anguish in them. I think of my Dad every so often wishing he were here at various moments in my and his grandkids lives. I would love for them to have the counsel of their Grandpa. I have now read three things you have written and you have me hooked. Best wishes to you. You can still paint your hair blue and cause some trouble. I want to be that eccentric old guy who no one knows what he will say next. Take care and happy trails to you… BTG

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