Grandma Says..

Observations and views from a different set of eyes

Itsy Bitsy Spider My Butt!

on May 15, 2013

th_Funny_Spider

There I was, Kindle in hand, sitting on the commode; when I noticed a slight movement on my left.  Marching towards me was my biggest fear; my source of nightmares and my cause to panic…a slippery, slimy, scurrilous, succubus of a spider.

I froze, afraid to breathe and watched in horror as the arachnoid, that looked to me to be the size of a small dog, headed right for my leg.  My heart started pumping wildly; sweat formed on my brow and my legs started to shake.

I was helpless; the two gallon jug of Home Defense Bug Spray was in the garage; the can of Raid was under the kitchen sink and the fly swatter lived on the lanai. Desperate, I looked around the room and used any weapon I could find. I threw my slipper; the spider laughed ( I swear, I heard it). I threw an empty paper toilet roll with all my might; it bounced and rolled under the sink. I threw a bar of soap and it skidded out the door.  With no other weapons in sight, I resorted to the only gun left in my arsenal; I screamed!

Danny came rushing in and found me sitting on the throne, pointing at the floor.

“Kill that monster.”

Dan followed my finger and doubled over with laughter.  He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “Don’t tell me you’re afraid of a little Itsy Bitsy Spider!”

“I’m not kidding,” I shouted, “get rid of it!”

So, my hero stomped on the insect, picked it up with his bare hands and left the room to dispose of the disgusting creature. I sat and tried to compose myself and waited for the blood to return to my legs.  Finally, I bent over and reached for some toilet paper..

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I’m now lying in bed with a couple of Valiums under my belt and a fierce determination to hold my water until the exterminator finishes spraying the whole house!

Cranky don’t like spiders!

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46 responses to “Itsy Bitsy Spider My Butt!

  1. Della Law says:

    Don’t suppose spiders like Cranky. Could of just put it outside to take its chances in the world.

    • Oops. Seriously, though, I do love God’s creatures, but small spiders in Florida can cause grave damage with their bites (brown recluse, black widow). We have a “better safe than sorry” policy around here!

  2. vickidean123 says:

    I just laughed out loud. Sorry to laugh at your terror but I thought 2 things while reading it. 1. I love you for admitting you we’re reading on the toilet. And 2. I’m quite confident I would’ve reacted exactly the same.

  3. Sallyann says:

    Wonderful ! absolutely wonderful !
    Thank you so much.
    I dropped in feeling more than a little low and very much in need of a smile or two … you made me laugh so much that I had to wipe tears from eyes.
    I hate to be the one to laugh at someone elses mis-fortune but I do love to laugh.
    Thank you, you were just what the doctor ordered.

  4. Sallyann says:

    Reblogged this on Photographic Memories and commented:
    This was too funny not to share the smiles with everyone else.
    Thanks. 😀

  5. barbtaub says:

    I’m laughing so hard I have to go the bathroom. But nobody is here and (thanks, Cranky) I have to wait until someone comes to check out the toilet paper roll for me first. So painful…

  6. Hahaha, this is brilliant. So glad it wasn’t me though, I share your phobia! (Couldn’t even look at those pictures, quickly scrolled past them with one eye open)

  7. True story: taking a group of daycare girls to the mall – six of them. Get everyone in the van and belted down. Start the van, and the screaming starts – six little girls mind you! Why? Spider on the back window. Unbuckle myself, climb over the seats to get to the back window, take off loafer, and splat! Spider dead, girls stunned into silence. “And, that girls,” I say, ” is why you should always wear loafers. Let’s go to the mall!”

  8. As an earlier commenter mentioned, it’s nice to know we are not alone while reading on the throne…my biggest fear though, when you said you used the only weapon you had left; I was waiting for you to ay you threw the Kindle at it!!

    I may or may not have suggested my exhusband use a hunting rifle inside our home when we discovered a weasle…chicken sh*t used a pellet gun instead.

  9. Val Mills says:

    I’m reading this with my morning coffee and now I can’t stop smiling, reading this was better than the sunshine peeping through the window! And …… I do know the feeling.

  10. Love your graphic! I feel sad for you living in Florida if you have a problem with big bugs!

  11. Basharr says:

    Too Funny, I go through this frequently. My wife will kill any bug but a spider I get woken up in the middle of the night to kill the spiders.

    Where we used to live down in the Bay Area in Ca there were California brown tarantulas, rarely encountered except during mating season and then they actually find their way into our home.. There is just something freaky about having to stomp on a spider more than once to kill it. Glad to see you survived…lol

  12. Aurora says:

    I can totally feel your pain on this. The last house I lived in before I moved here had an infestation of poisonous spiders, and nothing seemed to get rid of them. I couldn’t take a shower without checking the bathtub and shower curtain ahead of time, or even wander into the bathroom barefoot. I’d have brown recluse and wolf spiders hanging around in there constantly, sometimes two to four of them at a time. And no we aren’t talking about a place where it’s normal to find them, this is up north where it gets cold. I am so glad I have never seen more than a itty bitty house spider here where I live now. (and I still make my husband smash those cause I’m a chicken)

  13. helensamia says:

    Living in Australia spiders are everywhere… They are scary!!!!!

  14. mummyshymz says:

    I share your fear of big spiders. We don’t have them over here but looking at the pictures alone is enough to make my hair stand on end. I admire your bravery, I would have lost my voice!

  15. Reblogged this on Another Boomer Blog and commented:
    while recovering from surgery i needed a good, if painful, laugh. this was it.

  16. TamrahJo says:

    I’m the official spider-taker-care-of’er – Just a note – hairspray works on spiders and wasps – a light spray disorients them long enough to get them gently removed outside, so you don’t rack up any bad karma with Mother Nature – –

    Snake!?!? Where?!? What are you waiting for?!? Kill it, Kill it, get the shotgun….

    😀

  17. Bastet says:

    Ooooooooo..how I feel for you…and whilst in the throne room to boot! I know that spider’s have their place in the natural balance of ecology…I know they keep other insects down…I know that the majority are harmless (but I’ve lived in countries where it was better to be bitten by a scorpian…those other yuckky bits of evolution)…but I’d prefer a Geko anyday! They even eat spiders!!!!! Yeah! I laughed so much, but mostly because you really got that fear across that I know only too well! Thanks once again dear Cranky!

  18. Gwen says:

    omg – only YOU can get away with posting something like this! I can understand your fear in the moment, but oh, how funny!!

  19. Vivid picture of your experience!

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