The Perfect Pets

I was at a neighbors house the other day, and I was delighted to hear the musical chirps of a bird.  Looking around, I located the beautiful gilded cage that a yellow bird called home.  Walking over, I took a closer look and found that the bird didn’t move much…it just turned it’s head and it’s tail wagged a little.

“What kind of bird is this?” I asked my neighbor. 

“Oh, that’s Perfect Polly!”

“It’s fake.”

“I know…that’s what makes it perfect.”

Okay, I get it.  The bird in the Expensive Cage is just eye candy..no heart, no feelings, no bird turds.  Whatever floats her boat, I thought.

She invited me into the dining room where I heard the soft sounds of snoring.  I look around for the source and there, on the floor in front of her fake fireplace, lay a stuffed puppy sleeping in a doggy bed that my puppy would give his eye teeth for.  I watched as the imposter’s body moved up and down with each snore.

Again, here was a pet with no heart, no feelings, but again there was no puppy poo. Hmmm.

As I pulled out a chair, I glanced up and noticed a mounted fish over her glass sliding doors that led to the patio.  Curious, I walked over and the damn fish turned and stared straight at me and started singing “Don’t Worry…Be Happy!”

Well, at least the fish wasn’t floating in an expensive aquarium tank.  But, I was starting to get a little nervous.  All these fake pets made me wonder about these new neighbors.  I had yet to meet her husband and I started to wonder if she had met him at Macy’s.

I looked around and noticed that, although they had just moved in a few days ago, the house was spotless.  The hardwood floors gleamed, not a fingerprint visible on the sliding glass doors and my butt slid on the waxed wooden dining room chair.  A sharp contrast to my house with paw prints leading from one room to another, doggy slobber on the glass doors and chew marks on the legs of the chairs.

My hostess walked into the dining room wearing a frilly snow white apron with not a stain in sight.  She smiled and asked if I would like to stay and have a cup of decaffeinated (of course) coffee and a slice of a freshly baked chocolate Bundt cake.  To be honest, all I could think of was I was in the home of a  Stepford Wife.

I made my excuses, thanked her for her hospitality and made a quick exit.

Now, stuffed animals are neat, they’re cute and they don’t make a mess.  But, if I’m going to have pets,  I want to relate to them and get something back more than a pre-recorded chirp, yip or well…don’t get me started on the singing fish.  Pets are messy and most take a lot of time to maintain, train and excercise.  But in return, you get an animal that loves you unconditionally.  Try and get that from a Perfect Polly!

I ran walked home and opened the door.  My puppy gave me a big sloppy kiss, left mud on my pants from his roll in the yard and I couldn’t have been happier.

I may not have the perfect pet, but I’ll take my puppy with a beating heart, a soft loving nuzzle and a warm, wet nose any day.

---