Grandma Says..

Observations and views from a different set of eyes

We Haven’t A Clue!

on October 18, 2013


Yesterday morning, I was cooking breakfast when Danny called to me and asked where the yellow pad was that we leave on the patio table.

“It should be right there on the table.  You used it last night!”

“It’s not here.”

Danny had written some measurements on the ever-present pad the evening prior and he used the cardboard backing to write phone numbers on.  This made it mandatory that I stop in my tracks, put breakfast on hold and focus all my attention on finding the missing pad.

Danny’s memory has suffered a bit due to the medications he takes, so I assumed (and we all know what assume means) that he just misplaced it.

So, the location of this yellow pad became the object of a major search throughout the house.  Every room was scoured…the garage underwent a major investigation and both cars were strip searched. Garbage cans were inspected (always a delightful undertaking, especially since I just emptied coffee grounds into the kitchen trash) but no sign of the elusive pad could be found.

“It’ll show up.” my optimistic self told Dan.  I scuttled back to the stove and tried to save the sausage gravy that now looked like wallpaper paste and whipped up another batch of biscuits (the first batch seemed to have turned into missiles after sitting in the oven too long).

We sat down to breakfast, and I knew that we were both playing the “blame” game in our thoughts.

“He lost it somehow.”

“She put it somewhere.”

I glanced over to Buddy, our now well-behaved puppy and noticed he was chewing happily on something that didn’t look like one of his chew toys. I had found the culprit. I went out and removed the one-inch piece of paper from his jaws and went in search of the rest of the pad.  No trace evidence was found until I looked at Buddy’s “leavings” on the lawn.

“I found the pad” I yelled “but I don’t think you want it back.”

“Why would the dog eat a pad of paper?”  Danny was nonplussed and skeptical that I had the suspect in custody.  “Paper has no flavor!”

“Well, he ate the walls!  They don’t have flavor.  He ate the remote control and I’m sure that wasn’t a culinary delight.  But, if you have any doubts, come on out and take a look!”

We returned to our breakfast (Danny ate his…my appetite seemed to have diminished since finding the evidence in the yard) and decided that we had to clear the patio table from now on before we closed up shop for the night and went to bed.

Last night, we removed all temptation but felt comfortable leaving our cigarettes (no sermons please…we know…we know) and lighters in the very middle of the table.  Buddy had never shown interest in taking up smoking, so we felt safe and secure.

I awoke this morning before dawn and headed out to the patio for a smoke and couldn’t find my pack of cigarettes.  Danny’s pack seemed to be among the missing also.

I immediately woke up Buddy and told him to cough up the cigarettes.  They don’t come cheap and they are dangerous for dogs.  He just gave me the “who me?” look and slunk away.  I grabbed a flashlight and found the “cig burgler” had evidently found cigarettes distasteful, but the packs they came in were quite tasty.  I found two piles of “smoking gun” materials, one in the pool area and one on the lawn.

Now, I’m relieved that he didn’t eat all the cigarettes as nicotine poisoning is very dangerous to animals.  The perpetrator ate a hearty breakfast and woofed down his usual gallon of water, so I don’t think he ate any of them.  Cigarettes are costly but not as expensive as an emergency visit to the vet would be.

So, Buddy is now on “lock down” for the morning…no treats for him!  And, I’ll be keeping careful surveillance on his “movements” during the day and try to catch him in action if he tries to become a repeat offender.

Why do dogs eat paper, plastic, and nasty nicotine products?  We don’t know…we haven’t a clue.  But, vigilance will be maintained to prevent him from becoming a “Serial Chewer!” and to keep him from continuing his life of crime.

Holy shades of “Marley and Me!” I can’t wait to see what he comes up with next to test our patience…I’m sure it’ll be fun for him…not so much for us!  Guess it’s time to rethink our decision not to seek behavior classes.  Silly Us!

20 responses to “We Haven’t A Clue!

  1. D.G.Kaye says:

    LOLOLOL! That is hilarious! It brings to mind my sister’s horse (ok, he’s a dog, but a Newfoundlander). That dog ate everything and anything as he was growing up., I think he had your dog beat. This dog ate, remnants of hair dye, plus the bottle, in a garbage can, USED RAZOR BLADES (and lived), 3 whole TV remotes and the list goes on. Anything that wasn’t nailed down was eaten. So if you think paper is not appetizing, don’t feel so bad. 🙂

  2. Sallyann says:

    We had a dog when growing up, she used to eat everything. One Christmas my Mum was mad at us for “stealing” three chocolate oranges she had wrapped ready for the cheerful occasion. We, all three of us felt really hard done by but eventually the culprit was found .. the dog had eaten the chocolate oranges, the foil paper, the cardboard box … and the foil wrapping paper !
    Luckily for us the evidence passed though and was found in the yard over the next day or two or we would have had christmas cancelled that year.

  3. Basharr says:

    We have a black long hair Chihuahua named Ollievader (He breathes like Darth Vader) and we have a Basset Hound named Tubby, both are thieves and make me miss my Lab mix Liberty as she never took anything. Ollie is famous for stealing jigsaw puzzle pieces and anything that has plastic parts we may be assembling. Like the last connector on our greenhouse that makes it all sturdy…=( Keep in mind behavior classes mean continued work at home as well. One thing to surely keep out of reach of dogs is dryer sheets. I have busted our basset with the dryer door open rooting through the clothes for a dryer street, almost sent her to rehab over that action. Vets says dryer sheets go in but don’t like to come out and cause severe blockage.

  4. joannesisco says:

    I laughed out loud at the part about having to stop what you’re doing to focus on finding the pad. Yessss – funny how that works. I’ve never noticed it to go the other way though 🙂
    Thanks for the bad-dog story. They’re only funny in hindsight!

  5. tric says:

    Great post. I love a laugh on a Friday night with a glass of wine! This reminds me of my poor late departed Suzy. One evening on the phone to my mum I took out two frozen chicken fillets from the freezer. As I was chatting to my mum I turned around and no chicken. They were frozen solid, and she was only a west highland terrier.

    • M E McMahon says:

      I can understand the temptation of food. My dad once proved that cats could fly down a long hallway when our one and only kitty ate a portion of his steak while he wasn’t looking.

      My hats off to Suzy for being able to tackle frozen chicken, though. I guess where there is a will…there is a way!

  6. We came home from work to find that our dog had somehow pulled sheets of wallpaper off the kitchen wall. 🙂

  7. Gwen Stephens says:

    Buddy sounds like our cat, Bailey, whom we’ve affectionately nicknamed “Hogling.” That damn cat will eat anything too, although she’s never tried cigarettes…

    • M E McMahon says:

      We were so disappointed in this behavior because we have successfully so many other bad behaviors. Now, it’s back to the Internet to find how how to stop my dog from being a thief.

      I think raising kids was slightly easier…except I’ve never had to diaper Buddy!

  8. barbtaub says:

    Our lab puppy was in distress so we brought her to the vet. He said that whenever anyone brings in a labrador, the first thing he asks them is, “Have you counted the remotes?” X-rays revealed that the dog had swallowed:
    * my daughter’s missing glasses
    * several of her barrettes
    * an ENTIRE printer cable (the old kind, thick as your thumb, with big plugs on either end

    After the surgery, the vet asked if I’d like to look over the items he had de-Labradored. I told him that I hadn’t murdered any kittens or cheated (much) on my taxes lately, so there was no reason to punish me.

    • M E McMahon says:

      So that’s where my sunglasses went! Just when we think we’ve “puppy proofed” everywhere…he finds something else to snag. At least he hasn’t swallowed a neighbor yet! 🙂

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