Its two a.m. and your belly is killing you. The pain you’ve ignored all day is now so severe that you must make that dreaded trip to the emergency room. Before you rush out the door, cramped over in agony, you might want to take the time to collect the necessary items you’ll need for this excursion into the hallowed halls of medicine.
First, make sure you have clean undies on. Hospital gowns always have broken ties that leave your butt waving in the wind. A clean pair of unholy undies are a must if you want to retain a modicum of modesty. Guys, you might want to rethink your choice of going “Commando” and slip on a pair of whitie tighties.
Next, grab the list of medicines that you currently take on a daily basis. Make sure the list includes what each medication is for, the dosage and how many times a day you take them. Be sure to include any over the counter drugs you have been using to try to settle that stomach. This list is crucial to speeding up the triage process by at least 15 to 20 minutes. If you don’t have a list prepared, grab a bag and throw the medications in.
For goodness sake, leave out the recreational drugs. However, after you have the physician sign a “Confidentiality” form, you can inform him that you smoke weed for medicinal purposes only. This is recommended to Cover Your Butt and avoid having cops standing outside your emergency room cubicle.
Now grab a list of all the surgeries you have ever had in your life and when they were performed. Be sure to include those tonsils, cataract or any reconstructive surgery if you’ve been lucky enough to afford some. Lifestyle lifts might not have an impact on your stomach but for some reason, medical professionals want to know all!
Before you even think about heading out the door, make sure that you have a valid identification with your picture on it and those very expensive medical insurance cards. Without them, you are nothing and you will spend a great deal of time at the registration desk trying to validate who you are.
Finally, grab that book you’ve been reading or a Kindle. This will make the long hours waiting to see a doctor easier to pass. Hospital magazines are well-known for being outdated and their televisions are usually preset to boring infomercials. You are already in pain, don’t risk adding to it.
Now that you have collected all the necessary items for your trip to the emergency room, wake up your nearest and dearest and let him (or her) drive to the hospital. You might think you can do this on your own, but if the doctors pump some really good painkillers into your veins, you are going to be Jell-O on your way home.
Good luck and I hope it’s just gas!